Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
