I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
