trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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