were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
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