i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
