Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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