I heard we made out
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
