he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
