I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
