You just made me feel so damn special
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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