Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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