Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
