We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
