Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
