Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
