Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
