My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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