Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
