I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
