How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
