Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Holy sore nipples Batman
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
