Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
