i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
