I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
