One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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