why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
