His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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