Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
