So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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