after a month anything with tits is on the radar
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
