I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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