somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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