i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
