I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
