She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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