I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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