I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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