I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
