So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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