i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
