i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
