Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
