apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
