remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
