we have officially lost it.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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