You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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