I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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