tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
