I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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