i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
should my penis look like a turkey
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
