yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
