a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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