Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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